How To Be Presidential: A Beginners Guide To Being President

PLEASE BE AWARE, THIS IS A PIECE OF SATIRE AND SHOULD BE READ ACCORDINGLY!

Wherever President Trump goes, controversy is not far behind, whether it is calling Haiti and African countries “shitholes”, supposedly paying hush money to a former pornstar in an attempt to cover up an affair, or publicly siding with Russian President Vladimir Putin over your own intelligence services. Trump and controversy seem to go hand in hand. So much so it’s probably making poor Melania jealous, or maybe even a tad relieved! The Donald believes that he is the ‘most presidential president’ there has ever been, however, that’s far from the case. He stumbles through his speeches, rarely with any coherence, leaving everyone who isn’t an ardent Trump fan, confused. On visits he embarrasses himself, and by extension the United States: for example, he broke numerous Royal protocols when visiting the Queen on his most recent trip to the UK. This could’ve been avoided easily if he had listened to the briefing he most likely received rather than ignoring it because it didn’t massage his ego. He was probably preoccupied trying to work out why he doesn’t have the same protocols as the British Royal family.

Every blunder and mishap only serves to damage the reputation of, not only Trump himself, although this is already dragging through the dirt at this point, but of the office of US President. His ham-fisted approach to the role could tarnish the relationship between the United States and their allies. Trump needs to realise that the Presidency, and the US, are bigger than he is. So, I have decided to help! Here are a few points to get Trump started, so that he can avoid the blunders, the faux pas’, and damaging comments that accompany him wherever he goes.

So, here we go:

1 – Don’t imply that you admire a dictator, whether you mean it or not. Try to not get caught on camera claiming that you would like your people to “sit up at attention” when you speak. As much as you like to be the ‘first’ to do something, I don’t think you want to be known as the first American dictator. Don’t do televised interviews where you eulogise about a dictator. It just doesn’t look good!

2 – Don’t blindly trust Vladimir Putin. The man was a spy; it was his job to deceive! If he says that Russia didn’t meddle in the investigation (maybe take that statement with a pinch of salt), don’t believe him and definitely don’t admit to blindly trusting him on TV! It doesn’t strengthen your position with Russia, or anyone really; ultimately, it makes you look like a moronic tit.

3 – Please be aware that when you say things in television interviews, televised speeches or on your own Twitter, this is recorded in the public domain. You can’t back-track and say you didn’t ever say something. There is physical proof; people can still see it even after you change your mind. Initially you may believe that you got away with it but it will come back to hurt you. This toing and froing makes you look inconsistent and slightly deranged.

4 – Don’t openly and aggressively criticise your allies. They’re called allies for a reason. They’ll tolerate you for a while, but it will reach a point when the relationship is no longer tenable; then they’ll leave you. The international environment can be a very lonely place, just ask your new buddy Kim Jong-Un. Countries like the UK, Canada, Germany and France are your allies, so treat them accordingly.

5 – Use your advisers. You have advisers for a reason, to give you advice. Listening to advice is what makes you a good president. Believing you can do it all on your own is arrogant and egotistical. It’ll only end badly for us all.

6 – Learn some basic economics. The trade wars that you are trying to start won’t go the way you think. The US economy could be irreversibly damaged and then you’ll look like a fool. It might even damage your precious real estate empire.

7 – The Russia investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller is real, it’s happening. There is no getting away with it, so stop trying to halt its progress; it only makes you look even guiltier. If you are guilty of anything, Mueller will see to that. Tell your offspring, especially Don Jr, to act accordingly too.

8 – On the subject of offspring, Ivanka is your daughter so stop over-sexualising her. It’d be creepy if you weren’t her father, so let’s put an end to that. Think of how it makes Melania feel.

9 – Let Jared be free, he looks tired and out of his depth. If you want him around, he would probably do a good job bringing you your KFC.

10 – Give Melania a hug; she looks like she needs one.

11 – And finally, if it is all getting a little bit too much for you, no one will hold it against you if you stand down. Just remember if you do, take Mike Pence and Mitch McConnell with you. It’s best for everyone.

Now, these are only a few points for President Trump to get started. Some of them are very basic, but I feel that they will be a good starting point for The Donald. Hopefully, if he heeds my advice we will see some improvements in his performance as president, he might even become a “real president”. We can all live in hope.

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